On my mental

When you feel like giving up. When you feel like the water is too deep that you’re going to drown. When you are consumed once again by darkness. When is enough ENOUGH? Every time I feel like I’m stepping into the light, the darkness returns. Finally having a job that gives me enough to sustain and then finding out it will be over soon. Feeling like the bills are finally getting back on track only to get an eviction notice! Just going through having my lights turned off to ,finding out I’m losing my job, and now eviction! I felt inadequate and like my children deserved better than I could give them. I don’t like asking for help and feeling like the people I asked are holding it over my head.

I was falling back into depression, thinking about removing myself from this world. Things were getting harder to deal with again. Am I as strong as people perceive me to be? Am I really as weak as I feel? Will I ever be happy and fulfilled? I didn’t realize I was suffering internally until I unloaded on my sister. Things from my childhood that I never quite dealt with. Feeling like people, family especially praying on your downfall while smiling in your face. This is what makes it hard for me to ask for help. I will try a million ways to do it by myself before I ask someone! 

Writing helps me to release and with everything going on in my life, I wasn’t able to write much. Which I believe made things worse. I’m still a work in progress and I know I have to learn how to let go. I no longer want to settle for things that aren’t good for me. Stepping outside of my comfort zone is going to be hard, but worth it. I promise to write more and not just when things are going bad. 

Until next time 💋