Guard Up

Sooooo I have been dealing with this individual and I really like them, however they are so guarded it’s hard to get through. I felt myself doing everything to show them I was different from what they were used to, but it didn’t seem to matter. Things that were asked of me I tried to do. Still nothing!!! This person had me really falling because when the sexual aspect of the “relationship “ was a non factor, it made you see the actual person. I was willing to go through whatever obstacles that I knew I would face dealing with this individual.

I will say I learned something about myself in the process. It was a shocking revelation and I had no idea that’s what I was doing. I always say I am a very sexual person and so I tend to get a little X rated in conversation, but when this person expressed to me that mental stimulation is better than the physical it made me think. Why do I always need to bring sex into our conversations or any conversation when I’m dealing with someone? So I realized it’s easier to just have sex or talk about sex so that I don’t have to get to know the person outside of a sexual relationship. It seemed to be a defense mechanism for me. If I don’t really know this person, I won’t fall for them and when the spark is gone I can leave with no hesitation. If I do get to know the person and have a mental connection, when the spark is gone it hurts! Who wants to keep hurting? People who have been hurt always have their guard up and sometimes miss out on the one that is worth letting it down for! 

I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I can’t keep using sex to avoid hurting. I just want to love without fear because everyone deserves that. I was hoping things would work with us, but you can’t force someone to want you the way you want them. Relationships are tricky and work must be put in to keep them going. It cannot be one sided because it will NOT work if both parties aren’t working together to make it work. Hoping that we can get back on track, but if not, I’m happy I realized that the vibe I was putting out there was not really me. It’s deeper than being cheated on! It’s daddy issues, I have been picking the wrong people to be with because I didn’t have my dad to show me how a woman is to be treated by a man. The older I get the more I start to realize that I make the mistakes I do because of a deeper issue. Working on me is what my focus needs to be and if someone comes along, I guess I’ll decide if they’re worth letting my guard down. Until then, Guard Up!