I'm baaaaccccckkkkk! Lol. So today I missed therapy due to leaving work a little later than expected and traffic. I really needed it too with the week I was having. So guys, I want to talk to you a little ore about what I've been going through. So, there was this guy who made me so happy and was a breath of fresh air coming from my terrible marriage. I fell head over heels as I usually so smh. We have been together since 2012 and had a bouncing baby boy in 2013. Long story short, he turned out to be just as bad as the marriage I tried to get away from. From cheating and arguing, I just endured it. I almost felt like he was as good as it was going to get for me.
He betrayed me in a way that I would have NEVER in a million years imagine! I told him that the wedding was off (oh yea we were engaged). I told him he has to move and me and my kids were moving forward without him. I had left him before, but somehow we ended up back together. I love this man, but you know that feeling that says "he is not the one"? My gut was telling me that and I kept ignoring it! We were broken up for a year and a half. I was humiliated on social media by the chick and it was not a good feeling. I finally got myself together enough to move forward and get a new place for my kids and I. He was a douche at first, but then something changed and he was different or was he? We decided to give it another go in December of 2016 and it was good at first. Well once he felt comfortable, the real him started to show. He started with the insecurities and the controlling ways and I kept thinking why did I do this...AGAIN?
He was against me going to therapy and said "I should just talk to him". Everyday since then has been difficult to deal with. I feel like I'm drowning and I hide behind smiles to mask the pain that I feel. I'm so dissatisfied with the way my life is turning out, who's the blame for this? Me!!! I am continuing to settle out of fear of being alone and as crazy as it may seem, fear of being strong. I want to be an example for my kids, a good one! I have to learn how to deal with change and accept it. I have to learn how to let go of my past and move forward towards the bright future that I KNOW is awaiting me. I have to love Tameka enough to go through life's challenges and choose her EVERY TIME!! I have to let go of friendships that are full of negativity. Basically, I need to GROW UP!!! Sometimes growing up is to outgrow people and that is okay. I have to start looking for motivation from within, so I can prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to.
So I said all of that to say this. My current situation with him symbolizes complacency and fear. He is me being afraid to find true happiness. He is me settling for less when I know I deserve more. I am in a battle with myself and it is emotionally draining. The "me" I want to be doesn't want to be suppressed any longer. The "me" that I am is fighting her from being able to shine. She is stunting my growth, but I'm not sure how to get around her because I'm afraid to push her out of the way.
Oh my, I didn't mean to be writing so much, but I felt like this was my therapy today. I have been through a lot when it comes to relationships. I'm always yearning for attention from men and that's probably because I didn't have a dad or male figure growing up. Who really knows, but I'm determined to find the answers that I know are buried deep within. In order to get to know myself and grow, I have to go through the pain of my past in order to get to the happiness in my future!
He betrayed me in a way that I would have NEVER in a million years imagine! I told him that the wedding was off (oh yea we were engaged). I told him he has to move and me and my kids were moving forward without him. I had left him before, but somehow we ended up back together. I love this man, but you know that feeling that says "he is not the one"? My gut was telling me that and I kept ignoring it! We were broken up for a year and a half. I was humiliated on social media by the chick and it was not a good feeling. I finally got myself together enough to move forward and get a new place for my kids and I. He was a douche at first, but then something changed and he was different or was he? We decided to give it another go in December of 2016 and it was good at first. Well once he felt comfortable, the real him started to show. He started with the insecurities and the controlling ways and I kept thinking why did I do this...AGAIN?
He was against me going to therapy and said "I should just talk to him". Everyday since then has been difficult to deal with. I feel like I'm drowning and I hide behind smiles to mask the pain that I feel. I'm so dissatisfied with the way my life is turning out, who's the blame for this? Me!!! I am continuing to settle out of fear of being alone and as crazy as it may seem, fear of being strong. I want to be an example for my kids, a good one! I have to learn how to deal with change and accept it. I have to learn how to let go of my past and move forward towards the bright future that I KNOW is awaiting me. I have to love Tameka enough to go through life's challenges and choose her EVERY TIME!! I have to let go of friendships that are full of negativity. Basically, I need to GROW UP!!! Sometimes growing up is to outgrow people and that is okay. I have to start looking for motivation from within, so I can prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to.
So I said all of that to say this. My current situation with him symbolizes complacency and fear. He is me being afraid to find true happiness. He is me settling for less when I know I deserve more. I am in a battle with myself and it is emotionally draining. The "me" I want to be doesn't want to be suppressed any longer. The "me" that I am is fighting her from being able to shine. She is stunting my growth, but I'm not sure how to get around her because I'm afraid to push her out of the way.
Oh my, I didn't mean to be writing so much, but I felt like this was my therapy today. I have been through a lot when it comes to relationships. I'm always yearning for attention from men and that's probably because I didn't have a dad or male figure growing up. Who really knows, but I'm determined to find the answers that I know are buried deep within. In order to get to know myself and grow, I have to go through the pain of my past in order to get to the happiness in my future!
You are absolutely right Meka! The old me has been trying to take over my emotions these past 2 days, but I keep stepping over her. You got this and you are inspiring me to start my blog one day soon!
ReplyDeleteYou make so many great points. Complacency, fear, comfortability, and most of all convience keeps us from reaching our full potential. As you may or may not know I'm a therapist and One of the sayings I preach to my clients as well as live by is "you have to become comfortable with the uncomfortable." No matter what that "uncomfortable" is or may look like. Meaning we have to become comfortable in discussing and processing situations that exposes our vulnerabilitiEs. We have to become comfortable with awkward silence. We have to be comfortable within ourselves Flaws and all, to begin the change process. Its easier said than done and everday I strive To become comfortable with who I am. Ive for so long looked to others for my happiness and still do ( I'm a work in progress) But am learning that To find true happiness is to truly find yourself. Sorry for the long comment but this definitely resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteThis may be the most grown up thing I've seen all day. You say you're afraid of being strong but it takes an awful strong person to admit they're not being there best. It's certainly easier to pretend we have it all figured out then it is to admit you don't. But honestly it sounds like you've had your light bulb moment and all you need to do is put action behind it. You deserve the best life has to give and if for some reason you still can't see that I know you can see that your kids do. So if for no other reason then the live of your children turn your plan into action and "just do it"
ReplyDeleteAwe. Thanks. I really wanted a platform to express myself and maybe help someone else along the way. There's many ppl who may feel like I do and I want them to know we can make it through the storm
ReplyDeleteI feel like u r writing my store😞 this is exactly how I feel but never been married Andi want to so bad but the man I love I know in my heart his not it but sometimes I think am I just giving up to fast
ReplyDeleteI understand that. That's how I felt too but once I started realizing things about myself, I noticed that he is not the man for me. He has some good qualities, but just not what I need to travel this path with me
DeleteWow Meka.This right here lets you know how strong you are.You have come soo far.Alot of us have been in relationships that we know aren't healthy for us but we stay.Whether it be for the kids or other reasons,we know we need to get out,but it seems so hard.We never really know what the person next to us is going through sometimes so forums like these are wonderful. I'm so glad that you felt the need to seek counseling because those babies are watching everything.When you are sad,they can sense it.Our daughters watch us and do what they see us do. If they see us letting a man beat on us or cheat on us,they'll think it's the right thing to do.Our sons will treat they're girlfriends the way they were brought up seeing their daddy treat their mommies.I'm so happy that you are able to come on here and express your feelings and get things off your chest.Continue to stay strong and work on Meka,and everything else will fall in place.
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